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[14 Mar 2005|10:21pm] |
I have a new diary. A friends only one.
laxrainbow
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[14 Mar 2005|09:10pm] |
I realized why everytime i have an online journal i end up hating it. It is redundant by nature, repeating everything that casually happend during the day. I hate that. No wonder I never recieved any comments. And as much of an intellectual I may seem to rub off sometimes, I've just come to terms with this.
So lets start anew.
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[14 Mar 2005|08:14pm] |
My shift bar died today. I think its because i've been trying to clean my keyboard the past couple of days. Its a good thing this keyboard has two shift bars.
The dog, in which i've taken pleasure in calling 'flower', came back today. I fed him cat food. Why do I always name my stray pets weird names? First it was Ham the cat. Now its flower the dog. I'm sure someday i'll get it right.
Lauren imed me yesterday. I know, complete shock. I was making a full out of myself, as always. She did get my number, even though she apparently has a boyfriend. She's so pretty. Ugh! I'll get over it, i know this.
To be continued whenever i feel like it.
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[13 Mar 2005|08:51pm] |
I was taken back today. On a sunday. (I hate that band)
We sat in his room, listening to him play and staring up at the ceiling and towards each other. He looked so sad when he played and I couldnt help but want to hug Jerf and tell him everything was okay. I finally had the courage to sing, and while I did sing Mercury by the Counting Crows, it was a completely different rendition of it. Everyone was taken away by my voice, and in the words of Jerf: 'Whoa. Holy shit. I didn't think you could sing like that. Thats probably the first good girl singer I've heard in a lonng time. We (jerf, spencer and me) should form a group and sing together.' I always thought I sounded like I was dying...but everyone seemed to like it. "Its between excellent and crappy" stated by Spencer. It boosted my ego tons.
All the town reminds me of now is of Mark. Good looking, happy and charming on the facade. But inside, its rotting away by its own psychosis. I didn't like it, because there was no emotion. Sure, youngstown is as shitty as any city can get, but it has emotion. A hell of a lot of emotion. While as Clarion, has none. And everyone is miserable there. I felt uncomfortable.
It felt good to be there, I only wish that my friends could have moved with me. However, they are the only survivors in the town, I miss their presence more than clean air.
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[12 Mar 2005|08:29pm] |
anarchronism
My lungs feel
heavy,
inhaling the exhale of
words
that sit, legitimate, on my
tongue.
They are winding binding roads
running down pastures long since kept,
through grass long since outgrown,
calling out to countryside, once a happy home.
And city lights shine on in my pocket
reeling me back into the fast-paced-life
of a constant Hollywood movie screen
equipped with glitz and glamour and gleam.
Through the dusk or perhaps the twilight
(a rising or setting day)
a figure stands in
silhouette,
with an unforgiving
come-what-may.
In one hand he's holding the moon
and in the other, the sun
and I'm to choose the day or night
for the power kept in
one.
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[11 Mar 2005|11:32am] |
Theres a dog wandering the streets.
I wonder if he wants to be lost.
Kind of how I wish I could be lost.
Maybe we can be friends.
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[10 Mar 2005|08:21pm] |
Theres a first for everything. I guess today was the firsts for plenty of things.
I snuck out with Dave. After second period, I was walking behind chelsea when she had given me the opportunity to sneak out of school, for the very first time. Knowing that I love spontaneous impulses and taking risks, I automatically said I would. Of course, it had to be the day when every cop in Boardman was outside, so Dave and I had to go to almost every entryway available to see if we could get to his car without getting caught. Needless to say, we took the most obvious exit and ran to his car as stealthy as possible. My heart was racing like crazy, but for some reason, Dave and I just clicked. I never really even talked to him outside of a group or people, but it was easy to sneak out and possibly risk supsension with him. We drove around boardman, smoking a bowl and talking about life. He's going to get me Lauren's number, so I'm all excited about that. I'd like to get to know more about her, and he was saying that she wanted him to find someone for her, so it was the perfect opportunity. We snuck in the same way we snuck out, but I was too high to really worry about getting caught. Well, right before we reached the doors I was panicing, but it wasn't anything to make me have a heart attack. It was a nice time, and he even said it was a miracle we didn't get caught.
By the end of the day, I had recieved a blue note/pass to see Mr. Kornbau. I thought I had gotten caught and I was really to serve the consequences, but it turns out I just need to take my Math profincey tomorrow at 7:30 AM, otherwise I fail again. Ugergegd.
I also ended things with Will tonight. I feel absolutely horrible. Like really, I could use a hug right now, considering I've never actually dumped someone before. Especially someone who is so....attached. He started crying, asking me what was wrong with him, but I simply just told him the truth. That I don't have feelings for him. Its no ones fault, because you can't help emotions. I told him I was sorry, but that I'd rather be honest than to hold a facade with him and pretend everything was fine until he recovered from his surgery. I feel bad for the kid, really. His throat is killing him, however he continues to try to talk to people. I would say I was very kind to him, and understanding..I don't know, no one likes to be dumped. What hurts more, is that I was his first girlfriend. I know I did the right thing, but this constant state of sympathy flowing through my veins is really starting to make me ache.
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[10 Mar 2005|07:14am] |
(x) snuck out of the house
(x)gotten lost in your city/state
(x) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
() had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
() kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
() been in a fist fight
() been arrested
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
() made out in an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
() kicked a guy where it hurts.
() been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
() been skydiving
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) skinny-dipped
(x)skipped school
(x) flashed someone
(x) saw a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
() gotten stitches
(x) had an IV
() drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed into a friend's car
() been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
() been dumped
(x) shoplifted
() been fired
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
() stole something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
() been to Europe
() slept with a co-worker
() been married
() gotten divorced
(x) had children
()saw someone die
() been to Africa
(x)Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
() Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
() Thrown up in a bar
() Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
() Eaten Sushi
() Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a rock show
()Been to a moto cross show
(x) lost a child
() gone to college
() graduated college
(x) done hard drugs
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
() Threw up on a roller coaster
If theres one thing to gain from this,
This is the best week I've ever experienced. 2 hr delay monday, skip tuesday, 2 hr delay wednesday, 2 hr delay thursday, skip friday.
Im also beginning to realize that I'm not all that attracted to guys as I thought I was....
But im not going to declare anything I haven't already declared.
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[09 Mar 2005|10:31pm] |
I just realized we have a giant plant new to this room. Its beginning to look alot like a greenhouse in my living room. All we need is little flowers and grass growing along the sides of the wall. Hehe. So I woke up early, went to perkins with everyone. Its been awhile since I've set foot in Perkins. I miss Clarion. Kim called, but my mother was trying to play with a fax machine, so I couldnt talk long. Mr. Jones wrote me a postcard from Washington DC. I guess he misses me. No one went to the hospital this year, nor was there an anti-war protest. Seems all of the excitement and drama follows me. Some may be lost. Lets recap. The year before last, my first trip to washington D.C. I actually never really got to see much of the museums. I was caught up in an antiwar protest, which altered my life completely. Then last year, Nick got sick. Really sick, actually, he almost passed out when we were sitting at the garden of flowers inside, and my other friends left him and I behind. I ended up calling the guard, and then driving in the front seat of an ambulance, scared to death that Mr. Jones would be extremely mad at me, considering we weren't allowed to leave the building. And my trac-shit-fone had died, and I wasn't thinking when Mr. Jones gave us the phone number incase of emergencies. So there I was, in the emergency room of Howard University hospital in downtown washington D.C, afraid that I was never going to be able to contact Mr. Jones again. Turns out, Nick had overdosed, again. He had a problem with Oxy Cotin before and almost died from it. They didn't tell me what he was on. I remember him promising me that he didn't do any drugs. He lied, but it was valid, I guess. I spent the whole day in Washington D.C. making sure my friend wasn't going to die, with no way of contacting anyone from the National Art Gallery. Surprisingly, Mr. Jones showed up three years later and kissed my forehead. He told me he was so proud of me, and if he was my father, he'd hug me until I couldn't breathe anymore.
He has no idea how much that meant to me, because since then, I've considered Mr. Jones the only adult male that doesn't make me feel like falling to a breakdown.
Mr. Jones took me out to eat, in a Jamacian restaurant. It was so scary, eating with a teacher with no friends around, no other peers. We rarely talked to each other. I think we were both scared, and felt awkward. It was nice to see downtown, considering we were the only white people on the street. Wonder if anyones reading this. Nick was okay to go by 8, so we took the metro to the museum, but ended up waiting on the steps, in the dark, talking about politics and philosophy. It was then that I told Mr. Jones, the only adult, how my stepfather really treated my sister and I. He called him a prick. I was amazed. Then the bus came. And all my friends felt bad because they ditched me and Nick. But really, if nothing had happend, they wouldn't have cared. Can't really hold it against them, though.
Whoa. So yeah. I went on a tangent there. Anyway, Mr. Jones sent me a postcard. What a surprise, Picasso. I was amazed at this work. Mr. Jones says i have picasso tendencies. I never understood it until I became interested in Art History. I hope I don't come off as that eccentric.
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[08 Mar 2005|09:50pm] |
Snuggles loves me. When walking in through the door, the dog must have grown a foot since last week! He went crazy until I picked him up, where he bit my ear and tried to lick my new teeth.
I've got that smile, where when you look, you stop and realize life really isn't that bad.
I love having no more metal in my mouth;.
FUCK POSITIONERS!
Will and I conversed. Well, I conversed and he wrote, considering he just had surgery that day for his tonsils. I basically told him the truth once more. I also told him my feelings about Lauren. He said he wouldnt have a problem with me being with Lauren and him at the same time, if I were ever to be with her. I thought it was the weirdest thing when he didnt even flip out when I said I still thought about her.
So I hope this forged note will save my ass out of six hours detention tomorrow.
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killclementine's journal